Beer Goggles: Geostorm (2017)

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Director: Dean Devlin

Starring: Gerard Butler, Ed Harris

Review Authors: Tony

Ain’t no dry January up in here!! Welcome back to Beer Goggles, where we liquify our brain cells and put years on our livers. Also, sometimes we review crappy movies. I have a bit of a confession to make. I was supposed to review Geostorm weeks ago but got so thrashed before and after the screening, I genuinely had no memory of the film. Feeling like I had cheated myself out of one of 2017’s biggest movies, I loaded up on fewer pints and decided to revisit it.

What made Geostorm special to me is it’s a film released 10 years too late. Disaster movies were all the rage in the 90’s where studios could show off their expensive effects as the world was semi-destroyed in some cool way. Most times it’s was just an asteroid or some kind of doomsday event out of our control but then this genre began to bring global warming into it. The success of the genre is largely due to Roland Emmerich, disaster porn artist, with blockbusters such as Independence Day and Godzilla. However, the genre began to lose steam in the early 2000’s and the quality of Emmerich’s film plummeted (or stayed consistent depending on who you ask).

The initial plot summary for the film on IMDB sealed the deal as one of my most anticipated films; “Follows a stubborn but charming satellite designer who, when the worlds climate-controlling satellites malfunction, has to work with his estranged brother to save the world from a man-made storm of epic proportions. A trip into space follows, while on earth a plot to assassinate the president unfolds”.

Unfortunately, Emmerich stepped aside for Geostorm but luckily he handed it to his frequent collaborator and writer, Dean Devlin. Even in the sloshed state I was in, Geostorm was somehow drunker than me. The concept that Gerard Butler was a scientist that designed a space station that controls the weather was a concept that never stopped being funny. What was even funnier is that the film gives Butler fuck all action scenes and instead relegates it to his far less gruff and less muscly brother.

Perhaps even funnier is the blatant disregard for other nationalities outside of America. The film opens up saying that global warming has shagged the world and all the countries put aside their differences to make the space station. Yet, when this grand conspiracy unfolds, its only foreign countries getting fucked. Then in a twist that even a drunk like me spotted from the start, Ed Harris’ character turns out to be the bad guy who’s targeting America’s enemies. Since when did The United Arab Emirates, Afganistan, China, India, and Brazil become America’s enemies!!!

Even for all it’s stupidity, clichés, and odd narrative choices, I was thoroughly entertained. While slightly squandered on the action front, Butler is given plenty of clumsy and ridiculous dialogue that has me laughing throughout (Yeah, sorry about that. I literally had to fly in from outer space). Geostorm takes itself way too seriously which is half the fun but somehow comes across as more competent and grounded than anything Emmerich has ever made.

Rating: 2.5 / 5 Cans of McEwan’s

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